To My Ex-Lover,
I loved you more than I loved myself, and I knew that because I sacrificed my happiness to have you in my life. The part that damaged me was that you knew that, and you knew how much love I had for you, and it vitalized your ego. The ego which allowed you to hurt me, the ego which allowed you to come in and out, and the ego that can look me in my eyes to ignore the pain in my cries.
Love for you took away the love I had for myself on a repetitive basis. While I felt weak, I tried my hardest to keep you constantly in my life. I held onto the fantasy that you would change; one day, you will finally say that you love me and are ready to start a future. However, it was false hope in a man who couldn’t own up to his actions, immaturely emotional with no healing ever to come forth.
I expected so much from you, but I needed to expect more in myself. You are not my reality; you weren’t supposed to be a constant factor in my life. The realization is hurting my hope but knowing this is a start to my growth. You were my past that correlated with my inner child starving for love.
Oh, the misery I felt many nights wondering why you disappeared, why other women were picked over me, and you couldn’t give me the love I wanted. Your actions made me question myself a million times, but I never realized the answers were in your actions. The reality was you could’ve never given me the love I craved because you didn’t even love yourself. You never healed from your childhood traumas, you never self-reflect immensely, and you didn’t honestly know who you were. That made me look at myself and come to terms I reflected you. I hadn’t self-reflected, never healed from my past traumas, and I was looking at you to show me who I was. All the pain I have endured from you made sure to give me the power I needed for me. You were never my reality; you were a fantasy I needed to walk away from.
This is the second letter in the Valentine’s series courtesy of the lovely Sara, a poet and writer. Be sure to check out her poetry book here and listen to her podcast, Miss Vibes On That Frequency, here.
This was a very overwhelming letter. Maybe because of how much I related to parts of it. The last paragraph especially. Realizing that whether you are in a relationship or not, you need to love yourself is a game-changer. It helps you see all the red flags you may have ignored and could potentially save you. I’ll ask you this: Have you ever found yourself forgetting to love yourself while loving your partner? How did this realization help you? Leave a comment and let’s talk about it.
Find all the other letters in the series here.