Trigger Warning: Sex.
To The Man Who Took My Virginity,
I was not ready for sex. I did not want to have sex at the time I did, but you insisted. I was preserving myself for marriage, but you told me that you would marry me anyhow. Where are you now?
Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar! Liar!
I vividly remember how long it took because there was a watch on your wall, and I wanted time to tick as fast as it could. If I can recall well, you did not even seduce me. It was too tight to be penetrated.
I remember looking at it and wondering how on earth could that fit inside me.
Did I enjoy any of that?
Hell no! Was it fun? Hell no!!
It was the worst feeling I had ever experienced. It was as if my whole body fractured. You opened the most sacred hole in my body. Not only did I feel my body fractured, but I felt like you were intentionally causing me pain when you wanted to penetrate even deeper.
I wanted to stop you, but I couldn’t.
I tried to show you how much I was in pain, but you did not care.
I cried hysterically, but I never wanted to show you my tears.
I thought if you loved me the way you claimed to be, you would see through my soul how much I was in pain. Boy, was I wrong? You did not care. You only wanted to fulfill your lustful desires.
Couldn’t you wait for me at least to prepare my mental state for it? No!!
You wanted to get over and done with and off to the next girl. Tell you what, you traumatized me.
I felt empty, ashamed, naked, humiliated, remorseful, and embarrassed. I could not look at myself in the mirror. Seeing my blood on your sheets made me realize how broken, shattered, and the famous word celebrities use, ‘smashed’ I was.
The blood represented a covenant that got broken into pieces. The sacred hole got exposed to any filthy element. I left a part of me on that sheet.
I do not want to think what you might have done with my blood. All I know is I left a very vital part of me in one of your sheets. I can only pray that you did not perform any ritual with my blood.
I cried all the way to take a cap. I cried like an infant crying for candy. My tears were that of shame, embarrassment, remorse, grief, and disgrace.
I wanted to speak to my God, but I felt unworthy to be in His presence.
His presence was too Holy for me to contaminate it with my filthy self. It took me time to realize that God loved me just as I was. I crawled myself back to His presence because I wanted to be made whole. I was too broken, damaged, and felt naked. I wanted God’s power to make me whole. And I am grateful that the grace of God located me and made me whole again. Every fracture, broken piece in me, had been purely mended by God.
It’s all said and done. I am not angry at you anymore. I got furious every time I saw you, but I released you. I had to release you to release myself. I had to forgive you, to forgive myself. I forgave myself, you can forgive yourself too.
You bettered me into being who I am today. My wholeness needed that part of my life to be what it is today.
It was a puzzle, in me that was necessary to make me a better me. I now understand loss, grief, shame, guilt, nakedness because you took my virginity away from me. I know better, and I’m wiser.
I am not a virgin anymore, but I hold God’s power and sureness inside of me. I serve Him fully with humility because I know what a sinner I am. By the grace of God, I have been made whole, and my sins, are forgiven.
Have a good life.
I really applaud the author for sharing this. I imagine it took a lot of strength and vulnerability to not only share this but just to write these words down. You are so so loved. ♥️
Find all the letters in this series here!